Nonsense Rant

I've been crazy these years. Like crazy.

1st of all, I tried to do a lot of things and I ended up fail. Fail total. I thought I can do it but no. I was not. I tried to run but I realized I really can't run. I would mostly stumble and fall. In midst of that I also lost so many things especially time. I lost so many times. Whether just to enjoy myself, be with my family, my friends. I lost it. I was thinking that I was in my puberty period again. Late puberty.

2nd of all, I lived alone recently start this year January. A lot of things happened actually that ended up me lived alone. I moved to city like 5 years ago. Before I lived with my parent after finished my school and for the 1st time ever I leave them and live by myself in such young age. I consider myself as tough lucky independent girl. Not many girls in my hometown can actually do things or experience what I have been through. So self high five.

For the past 4-5 years I lived with a couple friends of mine and we shared room because we really couldn't afford a apartment.  Last year, in the middle of year, we actually managed to find an small apartment with just one room but a good place for us girls to stay since it's really hard to live with unknown housemate. But yeah, all of us shared a room again. It's really fun and all, but then I start to have this depression state of mental. Yes, me!! I was so depressed last year, like so many things happened and I couldn't handle it well. I was stressing out so much and ended up crying so much and the fact that I really can't tell anyone what I've been through especially my parent. I just can't. So all the struggle and stress camp in me like for a long time. Thanks God I am recovering now. Still need some healing here and there.

I don't know why I depressed. Well, I know actually just I can't accept the reality and that's one of the reason I was depressed. I took myself so serious to be honest. The depressed me make me felt ashamed because it effected around me especially the girls I lived with. They are nice girls. They treats me well but I was being like, ...total so bad.

I made decision this early year, I can't stand it anymore. I have to lived alone or I'll make things worst. So yeah, I moved out and lived alone now. Strangely, I am happy. I running a lot at earlier year. Jobs, social activities, hobbies and jobs again. So much things happened. I make my self busy to release all the depression and stress but I ended up being more depressed. So, I decided I'll just walk and watch everything on the path. That's what Mark of NCT said to his members and I think it can be apply to anyone.

So, I make my self less busy. A lot of me time, like reading, writing, listening to music or just doing some house cores. Oh, also eating and like I said I am happy now. I think all the stress and burden that camp in me like a ballon burst a while ago and it fely like some unknown heavy weight just lift up from me. I am recovering and I know I'll get better.