Going Home???

Just talked to my cousin. She is ready to go home and she is excited to go home.

I was like? What? What make you excited to go home? Basically for me, there's nothing at home. Like literally nothing. Note that me and my cousin we lived in same area. We live in same hometown. We lived there more than 2 decades already.

Yes, we have our family there. Like all the family squads are there. My brothers and my sisters' family. My cousins' family. My friends' family. Like everyone I know. Hahaha. Because you know I lived there more than 2 decades already. But other than my family there's literally nothing there.

I used to feel home as home. A place where I can found calm, peace and me. Like Hannah Montana's song " You'll always find your way back home". I lost so many time but I always find my way back when I got home. Like I felt good, peace and calm and everything that I need.

But recently, I feel nothing when I go home. I have a cold fight with my father. My father is a fighter. He is hardworking man who literally work himself a lot when he was young just to raise us up. He always want the best for us. He worked hard so that us can get good education. We did. Well, not all of us since 1/5 of us is jobless. Not really jobless, hahaha, that's so savage. Each of us have our own job. Well, as farmer. My father's 1st intention is to have us have a fix job like working with the goverment, but 1/5 of us now work with the field, trees, soil and other stuffs. So I guess, my father didn't achieve what he wants. That's mean he's failed. Haha. Sorry, dad.

Since he worked hard when he was young, his condition is really not good right now. He can't even walk properly because his leg hurts. So there's actually a thing between us that make me really mad and upset. So, I was like you know what, I am not going home this year except for Christmas and New Year. Well,  at least I have plan to go home for Christmas and New Year, and I was not saying this to them verbally like face to face but more like I talked to myself.

I felt sorry a lot but I don't think I can go home with all the mixed feeling inside me. Probably going to stress me more. When I am stress my parent would be probably stress than me. So I am not gonna stress them seeing me stress.

Also, yes there's nothing at my hometown except you like farming, fishing, and some jungle stuffs. Sometime I wondering if all the people there feel good living life like that. Especially for girls/woman that married to men from my hometown and spend their life there. Like in that closed small place. But hey, all of us are not same. Probably they feel good with their life, something that I misses. I can't be judgemental.

The other day, my cousins and me watched the villagers playing football. The loser will pay for drinks. One of my cousin said something like "coz there's no elsewhere they can spend their money, they spend it for little thing like this". Haha, but I think game like this apply everywhere not just at our home. Even in big city. 

Anyway, it will take me months to go home. Except probably when I get really-really homesick, then I am probably just hoop in my car driving home.